Sunday, May 27, 2012

Better Know Your Arnie: Jack

BKYA is a feature on this dumb blog wherein Jeff writes too much about a variety of his favorite beverage, Arnold Palmer Iced Tea Lemonade.

Well, I discovered this the other day:

OK, I'm not too happy about this. I like Jack a lot, he won his last Masters when I was 10 and it was pretty cool I remember. 

Also, he made this crazy putt at 70 years old with the Man right there watching:

If I made that putt I would throw my putter as far as I could, and quit golfing on the spot. Jack just sank it and moved on. So I don't want to say too much about this beverage. Because everything I have to say is not too good.

OK, a couple quick thoughts about it since I have this dumb blog:
  1. I think Arnie and Jack were talking and Arnie said how much AriZona pays him and Jack said "Aw, yeah, I want some of dat scratch!" (Jack does not talk like that)
  2. The can is horribly designed. It says "HONEY" all around the top and on the bottom. It does not taste much like honey, so I feel like they are trying to sucker honey enthusiasts. Poor bees.
  3. 70 calories per serving. An Arnie is 50, you have been bested by the Man again, Jack.
  4. There is no tea. It's just like weird lemonade
  5. The can is so gold colored, I kept thinking that it looks like urine, that's not a good comparison when trying to sell a beverage.
I should stop since I just mentioned urine. One final story: I bought that can at Walgreen's. Here is how my conversation went with the register lady (if you picture me with 11 month old Connor in a stroller, it sets the scene better):

Lady: Oh, one Golden Beer! (she does double take) Hey, we don't sell beer here.
Me: Umh, it says Bear, like the Golden Bear, Jack Nicklaus. 
Lady: What did you say? I thought it was beer, ha ha, it's not beer!
Me: Ha ha (this was a fake laugh), can I pay please?
Lady: I thought it was beer!
Me: Ha ha (this was the fakest laugh I have ever faked laugh), here's a dollar.
Lady: Oh, you're all set with your BEER, ha ha
Connor: Blurgh, da ma da fa

It tastes OK for weird lemonade, and that's the best I can say about it.

Jeff's Score*: N/A
Varieties: Who cares
Availability: N/A
Stores: Burp. Don't buy this.

*Jeff's Score is a weighted score where Regular Arnie is a 90, Redneck Arnie is a 20, the one Skinny Arnie I had that tasted like metal is a 0

Better Know Your Arnie: Green Pow Arnie

BKYA is a feature on this dumb blog wherein Jeff writes too much about a variety of his favorite beverage, Arnold Palmer Iced Tea Lemonade.

I like to think AriZona looks at regional sales, sees that around me sales are high, so they like to introduce new varieties for testing purposes. I say this because I haven't seen Peach Arnie since I bought it. Then I went to the grocery store and saw this:

That's a canister of five packets of powder that make two quarts of Arnie for each packet. It is a powder version of Asian Arnie. However, it doesn't have the asian characters on it, so I declare it Green Pow Arnie. I've gone back after I bought it and haven't seen it since. So, there's a conspiracy is what I'm saying.

It was $4 for ten quarts of Green Pow Arnie. I thought it was pretty expensive since I have a bad sense of liquid volume. Here is one packet all mixed up and stuff and some poured into Lando:

That's a lot of Arnie for less than a dollar. 

The best thing about this stuff is there are only 40 calories in each packet, so 10 calories per serving. I didn't have high hopes for it. I thought it would taste like Skinny Arnie. I was very pleasantly surprised with the taste, it tastes nothing like Asian Arnie, so I was happy about my nickname change to differentiate them. Also, the wife likes it, so the score has to top 50.

Jeff's Score*: 58
Varieties: derp
Availability: Very low. I bought it and, poof, it was gone.
Stores: Roche Brothers

*Jeff's Score is a weighted score where Regular Arnie is a 90, Redneck Arnie is a 20, the one Skinny Arnie I had that tasted like metal is a 0

Jeff Makes Bad Food: Pepperoni Tabouli Cheesy Flatbread

Hey guys. Long time no blog. Sorry, about that. As a special treat I will share one of my unique recipes. This one I call Pepperoni Tabouli Cheesy Flatbread. Uh, I guess you don't need the recipe since the name lists all of the ingredients. Here's the picture:

Alright, I'll give you the recipe. 

1. Have your mother-in-law make fresh tabouli. Oh, what's that? You don't have a mother-in-law making fresh tabouli for you? Well, stupid, buy some tabouli at the store. It's just better if you do have a mother-in-law making you fresh tabouli. This is a long first step to a recipe.

2. Cut up some pepperoni and monterey jack cheese. Oh, you don't have those? Well, smell you later, get off my blog, because those are the two best things in the world. After Arnie of course. 

3. Put that pepperoni and cheese on the flatbread.

4. Put it in an oven.

5. When it's all melty and delicious looking, take it out. 

6. Throw that tabouli on that thang.

7. Eat it, dummy.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Vegway Frank

"Hey Jeff, your blog about Fenway Franks was fascinating, but I am a vegetarian, what are your thoughts on the veggie dog at Fenway" - No One in the Known or Future History of the Universe

Dear Mr. Universe, thanks for writing and it is funny you should ask because I tried a veggie dog at Fenway yesterday. I brought Connor to his first Sox game. Here he is sitting on the visitor's dugout, I tried facing him towards the camera, but he would just launch himself at me and the camera:

I spent most of the time at Fenway just walking Connor around in his stroller. I recommend bringing a stroller to a baseball game. Walking around with a stroller, people actually get out of your way and don't bump into you. If you don't have a baby yourself, I would still recommend bringing a stroller. Just dress up a pineapple or something and put it in the stroller. I think people would really get out of your way if you did that.

Anyway, pushing Connor around got me hungry so I wanted to get something to eat. It was important to keep moving so I wanted to go to some place without a line. Believe it or not, the vegetarian vendor had no line. The veggie burgers looked bad, so I got a veggie dog. It was $5, the same as a Fenway Frank. 

I went to the condiment bar, threw some mustard on it and then excitedly started cranking the onion machine. I get way too much joy from the onion machine. Sadly, the onion machine was empty. That didn't stop me from continuing to crank it for a good 30 seconds. I probably looked like a maniac. So my veggie dog only had mustard on it, or just M.

So while continuing to push the stroller around, I ate the hot dog. And I have to say it wasn't too bad. I probably enjoyed it more than I enjoy my annual Fenway Frank. So if you are vegetarian, in the mood for a hot dog, have $5, and are at Fenway, you are weird, but get a Vegway Frank. You can find it behind the bleachers.

Taco Bell Redemption

Hey guys, remember when I went to Taco Bell and had a really disappointing taco? No? Oh, OK. Bye.

Oh, still here? Well, I went back to Taco Bell and I didn't mess around. I got a Meximelt, the best thing at Taco Bell. Here it is:

OK, it doesn't look so good, but just trust me it is good. It has ground beef, fiesta salsa and cheese. I think Taco Bell knows what they have here, because they keep jacking up the price on Meximelts. It used to be one of the cheapest things on the menu, like $0.89, now it is up to $1.79 or so. Worth every cent.

Hmm, this was a short blog. Umh, did you know at Taco Bell you can basically ask for any combination of ingredients and make anything you want? So the menu is limitless. And there's a secret green sauce. That's the best I've got. OK. Bye.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Better Know Your Arnie: Redneck Arnie

BKYA is a feature on this dumb blog wherein Jeff writes too much about a variety of his favorite beverage, Arnold Palmer Iced Tea Lemonade.

I call this one Redneck Arnie. Is my nickname, Redneck Arnie, offensive? Because this is Southern Style Arnie my nickname is Redneck Arnie. So Southern = Redneck. I think it might be slightly offensive.  But whatever, at worst I am offending actual rednecks, I can live with that. OK, let's get a closeup of the can:

Well, that's a crappy photo, it's not even in focus. I'm a real shitty blogger. Redneck Arnie is described on the can as "Half Sweet Tea PINK and Half Lemonade." Here we run into our first problem with Redneck Arnie. "Sweet Tea PINK". What does that mean? Is it pink tea? I assume they mean it is sweet tea mixed with pink lemonade. But "half lemonade" is in yellow and the "PINK" part is pink and with the tea part. So the can is very confused. Some free advice AriZona, un-capitalize that Z, also fix the can by giving "PINK" to the lemonade side, make that side pink and the sweet tea side some other color. Bam, fixed.

Also, you can kind of tell from my crappy photo, but the pull tab is pink too. It's the only Arnie with a colored pull tab. So while I am giving AriZona free advice, and since colored pull tabs are possible, make Regular Arnie's tab green. The Man did win four Masters so I think it would be nice.

The first time I got a Redneck Arnie, I was super excited. Heather and I went to go get a Slurpee (we do this a lot). I saw Redneck Arnie and ran up to Heather and said "HOLD THE SLURPEE!" I think at that point she questioned some life decisions that led to her being in a 7-11 and having her husband run up to her yelling "HOLD THE SLURPEE!" So I excitedly cracked open that first Redneck Arnie, took a sip and immediately thought "that's no good." It is super sweet and tastes much worse than Regular Arnie. Then Heather grabbed the can to examine the ingredients as always, and she said "This has a lot of calories." I snatched that can back and looked and it has twice the calories as Regular Arnie. Twice! It's because the tea is sweetened. So we have a not so good tasting beverage with twice the calories. I really wish we got that Slurpee.

One good thing I can say about Redneck Arnie is that there's a yellow lab on the can. I have a yellow lab.

Jeff's Score*: 20, don't you know how *'s work?
Varieties: The Can
Availability: Medium
Stores: City Convenience, 7-11

*Jeff's Score is a weighted score where Regular Arnie is a 90, Redneck Arnie is a 20, the one Skinny Arnie I had that tasted like metal is a 0

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Lambert's Rainbow Fruit Sub

So I got a sub at Lambert's Rainbow Fruit. Getting the address for that link and the title is the first I have heard of that full name. I just thought it was Lambert's, but now I am going to be annoying and always say the full name, Lambert's Rainbow Fruit. Here's the sub wrapped:

And now unwrapped minus two bites:

I took two bites before I remembered I have a dumb blog and took a picture. Sorry. That is my usual order at Lambert's Rainbow Fruit: pastrami with provolone cheese, pickles, onions and mustard. POM, if you will. I feel like I haven't perfected my pastrami order.  Something else should go on it, but nothing sounds right. Lettuce and tomatoes I have tried and they just don't work well.

Lambert's Rainbow Fruit is famous for their giant salad bar. It is a really good salad bar, but I get too intimidated by make your own salad bars, especially the pay per pound variety. I always try to maximize my value. I think too much about weight for each item and end up with a weird assortment of meats, vegetables and cheeses and there always seem to be tortellini involved somehow.

So instead of the salad bar I get a sub at Lambert's Rainbow Fruit, and usually their pastrami which they make themselves. It's very good, they give you a lot of meat. There's a little too much fat on some pieces, but I pick the fat off and give to the dog. The dog also gets a few whole pastrami pieces to make it more manageable size-wise. The dog is usually a big fan of Lambert's Rainbow Fruit. When I ate this sub, she was sleeping on the couch and couldn't even be bothered to come beg and get the meat. So I walked over to her with the meat, put it right in front of her mouth and then she ate it and immediately went back to sleep. The dog has it pretty good.

Lambert's Rainbow Fruit is also unusual in that you pick your piece of bread, and hand it to the sandwich maker. So I really scout out all those sub rolls looking for the best shape and size. I'm like the Mel Kiper of sub roll drafts. All sandwiches are $6 too, which is pretty cheap and you don't have to worry about cheese surcharges and such.

Zooey Deschanel Apple Ad

I'm going to try something new on this blog. I will now make mean comments about a pretty, talented lady that happens to really annoy me. Zooey Deschanel has made an Apple Ad, and I will analyze it.

I should note that I am not a fan of Ms. Deschanel. I hated that movie (500) Days of Summer. But I think my dislike mostly stems from the episode of Top Chef she was on. She had the most high-maintenance dietary restrictions I have ever heard. I looked for the video to get her quote right for this dumb blog. She says "I am a vegetarian, so I can't eat any meat, fish, eggs, or dairy... also I have a few dietary restrictions. I am gluten intolerant, and don't eat soy (shrug)." It annoyed me she couldn't just say "I am vegan, also no gluten and soy please (shrug)." The whole episode is the chefs assembling vegan, gluten and soy free meals, not good. But besides her choice to appear on a cooking show with these weird restrictions, I am very tolerant, and it would still be fine with me if it wasn't a pack of lies. In this article she is now chowing on meats (shrug).

Serenity now, Jeff. OK, I should get to the ad.  Here's the ad:

0:00-0:03 "Is that rain?" Ok here we are and Zooey thinks it might be raining. She must think this for a particular reason. Probably because she hears it. She hears rain. Nothing else really sounds like rain on a roof. It's either rain or hundreds of birds landing on her roof and taking off constantly. She is not quite sure which one, so she decides to ask her phone. That seems sensible. She seems to be in a well lit bathroom. The bathroom probably has a window. She makes a lot of money. If you have a lot of money, you have a window in your bathroom. Look out the window Zooey.

0:03 Siri sounds very condescending in her answer. For good reason, it is probably the dumbest question Siri has ever been asked.

0:04-0:06 Zooey makes a very weird noise here when she approaches the window. It's like "Ooo-errr-ah" but quick. This is her reaction to getting really close to the window and actually seeing rain. When they cut to the other shot at 0:06 the room looks pretty big. You think she would have noticed the rain before she was 1 foot from the window and would have made the noise earlier. But let's talk about that noise. Previously to this she heard what she thought was rain and her super advanced phone said it was raining. Yet she is still clinging to the hundreds of birds hypothesis. So the noise is her thinking "Aww, I figured it was raining, but I was holding out hope for that bird thing."

0:06-0:09 "Let's get tomato soup delivered." First, Siri really should snap and say "That's not a question, dummy!" She wants to get tomato soup delivered. So she does not even have a crappy can of tomato soup in her house. She is so screwed when the poles shift. 

0:09-0:11 Now Siri is answering the non-question with a list of places that weirdly deliver tomato soup. While Zooey is listening to this her eyes move side to side a few times. She's looking for intruders. Zooey is always on guard for intruders.

0:13-0:15 "... cause I don't want to put on real shoes." OK, that's a strange reaction to a super advanced phone answering your weird food delivery request. But more importantly, here Zooey builds suspense with the term "real shoes." OMG, you guys, this means Zooey is currently wearing not real, weird shoes, I bet they show them soon! 

0:15 Cut to Zooey in her living room where we get to see her shoes! Wait, it appears she is either wearing socks or at best small slippers. It's not even clear. That's a major disappointment. I was expecting clown shoes. Or Gene Simmons KISS shoes.

0:16 Shot of Living Room: Take a look at her decorations. Does she have two ukelele's? I'm not sure if they are both ukeleles so I will not make any "who owns two ukeleles?" jokes. But in addition she has a piano, a banjo, a drum, and possibly a giant cowbell. How annoying must the jam sessions at Casa Deschanel be? 

0:17-0:19 Can you believe the amount of words devoted to 17 seconds so far? If you learn nothing else from this post, you should learn I have some issues. But let's get to "Remind me to clean up...tomorrow". The pause before tomorrow is supposed to say "Hey, Zooey is just like you, she puts things off." Well, what is she putting off? The room seems really clean, except for one thing, one very strange thing. There are hundreds of books and periodicals on and in front of the couch. There is no other mess in that room. I only have one guess about how such a couch/book thing could happen. She put out a book for every bird she thought was visiting. That didn't work out, so now she has to clean...tomorrow. Poor birds, ooo-errr-ah.

0:22-0:24 " we are dancing." Oh goody!

0:25-0:26 "Play 'Shake, Rattle and Roll'" She picked Elvis, I guess that is about what I would expect, certainly wouldn't expect Death Cab at this point. Wait, it's the original Big Joe Turner version. Aw, Zooey, you're so cool.  

0:26-0:30 Since today we are dancing, she dances. It consists of two heel kicks. Bruno Tonioli says "FOUR!"

In conclusion, Samuel L. Jackson: you are lucky they made a crappier ad than yours.

Boston Super Dog

Boston Super/Speed Dog, hot dogs are not very photogenic

That is Warren Buffett's favorite hot dog. Formerly Boston Speed Dog, now called Boston Super Dog for some reason.

That picture doesn't do justice to how big the hot dog is. I was going to get a picture of Connor holding it for scale, but he was focused on crawling at some hipster's single-speed. But the bun is a big sub roll.

This was my second ever Super/Speed dog. The first was a couple years ago when Heather and I went to a food truck festival at SoWa Open Market on some Sunday. We biked there right when it started at like 9:30am to check it out. We had heard about the Super/Speed dog, but for some(many) reason(s) we are never in Roxbury at lunchtime on a weekday. At SoWa, we decided to try one. I do not recommend eating a giant hot dog at 9:30am, then biking 10 miles which we did. It is not a good feeling.

My second Super/Speed dog, pictured above, was at the Greenway Mobile Food Fest. This time we went around 5:30pm, and almost every truck was sold out of most everything. I first went to Silk Road BBQ. I got pork skewers with mediterranean salad and rice pilaf, which was all they had left. It was kind of boring, I didn't even take a picture of it. Not dumb blog worthy. Also, it took them 25 minutes to make it because the coals weren't hot at first. That's no good.

The Super/Speed dog has onions, mustard, barbecue sauce and chili on it. That is a loaded Super/Speed dog. The dog is grilled, and is cut down the middle. It is really good. Heather even likes it. So if you are ever in Roxbury at lunchtime on a weekday, get a Boston Super/Speed Dog.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Fenway Frank

"Hey, Jeff your blog is awesome, but what do you think of Fenway Franks?"- No One

Dear No One, I appreciate the message. By all accounts I should love Fenway Franks. I love hot dogs and I Iove the Red Sox.

But Fenway Franks are horrible hot dogs. If you have ever eaten any other hot dog before it was better than a Fenway Frank. The Sox should be embarrassed about their quality of dogs. They recently announced with great fanfare that they have improved the recipe. Well, take your fanfare and try again.

Yet every year I get one at my first Sox game. I add some onions and mustard, maybe some relish if I'm in the mood. The one above was when I had Monster seats the other day. It was bad.

But I also had my first ever burrito inside Fenway. Somehow I have never snuck a burrito inside, and never noticed a burrito vendor before. It was OK. The beer was good.